Mini Getaway

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Since I had a couple of days off and husband is on vacation, we went out to take some time out of the city. Originally, I wanted to go out to his family’s country house, but unfortunately, his family had booked the whole week and there wasn’t any room. I ended up booking a hotel room for the “weekend” just a little further down from where his family’s country house is.

Usually, I don’t book things like this, but my body was screaming for some alone time. I’m writing this short little blog before we head out back to Montreal. I had planned on just sitting alone and either doing some creative writing, or work on some videos I had taken in the last couple of weeks. With the writing, I’ve been struggling a bit with writer’s block. My new characters are stuck right now on a street corner and I can’t get them to move from that spot. I debated last night to start something new or just make myself do something that may not fit, but it would get them over that hurdle. Right before falling asleep, I found their way around. Before we head back home, I’m going to attempt to put that down so I can continue sending them home. (haha!)

As far as the videos… I have no idea what I’m doing on that. I just keep taking videos of whatever i’m doing or what seems cool. I need to get over myself and go through what I’ve captured and finish it. I hate the sound of my voice and the way I look, so I’m using this as a way to break through that awkardness and work on feeling more comfortable with my outward appearance.

I’ve settled and accepted the fact that I like to write romance. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but after finishing reading a romance novel that I had purchased last weekend, I realized that what I’m writing isn’t that different from what I read. I now know that it’s not the smutty stuff and romance novels aren’t the devil. I was under the assumption that all romance novels were like the hariliquin ones… boy was wrong. The book I just read doesn’t even have a sex scene in it. That makes me feel a lot better about what I write. I’m going to continue reading these types of books as it gives me the confidence that I’m okay.

This weekend has been relaxing and a bit stress-free. Husband and I got into an argument, but we needed that chance to actually communicate some things that have been really bothering us. There was a statement that I had made a while ago to him and I didn’t, at that time, explain it well enough for him. Yesterday, I was able to share those thoughts and feelings to him which made him understand a lot better. There’s still a lot to go for us, but maybe this will kick start some changes for our relationship.

The fight yesterday kinda stifled my creative juices, but on the other end of the spectrum, the mountain air has cleared some stress from my chest. My tendonitis is barely noticeable as well. I didn’t get exactly what I had wanted to do, but the things that had happened this weekend was worth it.

Now, I’m going to spend my last couple of hours working on my characters, and maybe I can take them home and explore more at my house to help them tell their story.

Feeling Okay.

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I’ve come to the realization that I can’t slow down and have this constant nagging to continue to push myself to accomplish something or I will lose out on the chance. I am constantly putting this blog on the back burner too. Oh well. I did say that I would update it when I thought about it and that this blog is mainly for me to have a release for any issues that I want to discuss without the fear of judging from my peers.

That “conditionally accepted” is an “accepted” now. I’ve been working on preparing for the fall semester along with…

So, at the end of the winter semester, I was adamant of not taking any summer classes… you know what I did? Took two intensive physical education classes. I finished my last class on the 15th of July, but I didn’t attend that class. I did pass both classes with 98% and 96%, so I overachieved as no shocker. I could not attend the last class for one of the classes due to an injury that I had obtained before the semester even started. I have been battling Achilles tendonitis in both ankles for a number of months and got to the point of not wanting to walk around in pain anymore. One day after seeing my therapist and complaining about how much pain I’ve been in, I broke down and made an appointment with the physiotherapist that’s in her clinic. I’ve been going to him and even though I’m sitting here in a little pain, there’s been a bit of improvement overall. The reason why I couldn’t go to my last weight training class was that the teacher wanted to hike up to Mount Royal, and this would have been the second time doing such this semester. I did it the first time with my fitness coach and it wasn’t a good idea! 6km hike overall messed my ankles up again for a full week. It was painful and my tendons would not warm up to save their lives. I still have a huge problem being mindful and not overexerting myself.

Overall, mentally, I have been feeling pretty okay. I’m still battling some issues, but as far as times about the past, it’s not affecting me much right now. There have been some more important issues at hand that I have been pushing aside… for one, I’ve been repressing some feelings I have about the relationship I currently have with my husband, along with some awkwardness and shame about sex. There’s also a battle with my brain concerning having the desire to have sex. I’m ashamed about how my body looks as well as feeling that I’m not good enough for some of the men I actually find attractive. I also have some secrets that I’m not entirely sure I feel comfortable sharing. I have a lot of fears and unknowns that I will have to eventually face in the coming years. My libido has been sitting in the back of the room for so long that I’m afraid she’s eventually going to leave. I feel her right now writing this but I feel like I can’t give her exactly what she wants, which is really disappointing.

I have purchased some romance novels to try and wake up my imagination as well as work finding that part of me that can’t fantasize about being intimate with anyone. My therapist suggested for me to start watching porn, but I don’t think it’ll completely help (we kinda ran out of time the last session for me to explain exactly what I mean) as the act of people having sex will yes, turn me on, but I don’t necessarily fantasize about the person or even the act of having intercourse with that person. Occasionally, I can put myself in a scenario in which I’ll be able to imagine something very sexy for me (it’s even hard to write about this right now…), but when it comes down to trying to visualize a person to which I’m attracted to, there’s no connection. My mind goes blank. I get into myself and the thing I’m trying to do, which is great, but I really want to be able to fantasize about the person I currently find very attractive. I love looking at pictures of him (they remarkably have a calming factor!) and my mind wants to fantasize about him, but there’s some mental block that is so fucking frustrating! I feel that this is also what is hindering my ability to write like how I used to when I was younger. Why can’t I tap into that resource that I just couldn’t satisfy back 20 years ago? Did I happen to just repress it for so long due to not thinking I was good enough to write, or just feeling ashamed at fantasizing over someone I could never have? My girlfriends don’t seem to have those problems…

So, why can’t I act out any imaginations with my husband, or feel like to include him on it? I don’t find him sexually attractive in the slightest anymore. I feel sad to even mention this, but, just looking at him on the couch disgusts me. Sex has become such a chore with him. I hate how he smells. There’s so much that I have a problem with. There’s a part of me that is so sad that I wish I could change those thoughts, but I just can’t. I almost can’t bear to even fathom having sex with him. I almost want to divorce him, not just because of the sex, but I’m not the same person all those years ago. I was looking for someone to save me and I believe he did that, but I feel as if I settled, and forced myself to do that. I’m at this impasse in my life. I have gone back to school and feel that I can do this on my own without any help. I’m not surrounded by toxic people who project their wants on me. I feel more safe and stronger than I have been in so long, or even ever in my life. Yes, he helped me escape the turmoil and gave me my son, but I feel like this was what I had to do to survive. The last time we took a vacation together was over 3 years ago. The last time we had sex with each other (not talking about mutual masturbation) was probably last year. He wants to do nothing to actually change his life. He’s quite content it seems to sit on the couch and being like my stepfather. He’s not at work and put his time in, so he should be able to watch tv and do whatever he wants to do. I want to go out and do things, I want to go to Europe next year, I want to travel… and there are times where he sounds like he wants to join, but others where he doesn’t. I want to sit down and talk to him about these things and to tell him exactly how I feel, but I feel it’s going to fall on deaf ears. Or, like he’s done in the past, say that he’s going to work on things, but then just drops the ball like he always does. Maybe making a change myself will make him hit rock bottom and then he’ll make the changes. I also am scared to make these changes because my life is finally going in the direction in which I want it to and I don’t want to start all over again. It will definitely make things a lot more difficult, but I know I can do it. Maybe I’ll make that final move when I graduate from school.

And with that, I think I’ve written enough for today. I may try and do some more reflecting tomorrow before I go to therapy. I’m sitting here now hungry and wanting to dive back into my “Waiting for Tom Hanks” novel, along with listening to some Emigrate. Loving me some RZK right now. 😉

Sevenish Months Later…

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Sevenish months… yeah, this blog hasn’t been a top priority for me.  I have been busy in all aspects of my life:   school, work and at home.  I have finished 2 semesters at my college and have also been “conditionally” accepted into the nursing program.  The “conditionally” label, which will hopefully be removed, after I receive my final grades for the semester.  I have successfully completed two semesters of intro to French, but Chemistry, however… I’m trying to not dwell on it and concentrate on getting prepared for the next semester.  I have 3 months to figure out if my mother has my immunization record, or have to go through a series of boosters to start clinical in the fall.  There’s a lot of stuff to do before the semester starts in the fall!

I went to an introduction/orientation seminar last Wednesday discussing how to register for classes and the items needed for the following school year and I’m excited, yet nervous to begin this journey.  It’s surreal that this is happening.  I never thought I would get the opportunity to go back to school and if I did, it wouldn’t be something like nursing or at the least in the medical field.  I have always felt that this was my “calling” as I find medicine and human anatomy very alluring.  I love hospitals and I have never really shied from blood and guts.  I remember being a young child, maybe around 10 or so, and finding the top of a half-eaten mouse on the floor left by one of my family’s cats.  I pulled out some thumb tacks and had some kind of probe from one of my chemistry/science kits and I attempted to dissect what was left of that mouse.  I remember the gray, purplish-pink color of the small intestine, the muddy brown color of the liver and the bloody stump of what was left the lower spine.  Yes, I was one of those kids who questioned how life works.  I never ever killed anything like a serial killer or anything.  I could not harm a living soul, minus like mosquitoes – fuck those bloodsucking bastards.  I did, however, have to cull one of my rabbits when I was in ninth grade, but I did not perform a necropsy on said rabbit though.  The reason for the culling was because the rabbit was seriously sick, and I didn’t find out until much later that it would have died anyway, it had some neurological problem.  I even begged my mother to do it for me and she refused as “It’s your school project and grade.”  I stick by the Hippocratic oath as much as possible.

I could talk about school nonstop as I have found with going to therapy and scrubbing away the layers of problems that I have carried with me through the years that I truly have a profound love for learning.  I don’t know if I mentioned it above, but I have met some pretty amazing people at school.  I’ve owned the teacher’s pet part of myself too, instead of being embarrassed by it when I was a kid.  It’s fun and full of positivity.  I’m sure that next semester at nursing school will be very much the same and I already have one person who is starting the program with me that’s a friend.  It’s definitely going to be a fun ride.

Other than that, I’ve had talks with my Mother and my stepfather about the abuse and how it has affected me throughout the years.  It has been liberating to have them be aware and confront the damage that they had a part in.  So, for the past few months, a lot of the anger and sadness within those memories have been absent.  Or maybe it’s just been because I’ve been so preoccupied with studying chemistry that I haven’t had the mind to pay attention to it.  Therapy has been progressing forward, but I’m not sure how it’s going to fit in my schedule for next semester.  I will be talking to Vero about it on Wednesday.

Home… that’s the big issue right now.  I’ve gone through a lot of changes within the last few years and while I’m not ‘fixed’, I’m becoming more and more aware of myself as a person, which has caused me to tap into this new found strength that I never knew I possessed.  All this has started to begin to now affect my relationship with my husband.  It’s scary to think about as he’s been by my side through a bunch of shit for the last 20 years.  I’ve put a lot of the problems of our relationship behind me because I didn’t think I was good enough for anyone, let alone myself.  As I write this now, I’m not sure if our relationship will survive.  There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to think about it, as I will need stability and security for the next few years.  My plan isn’t to quit my current job (I have invested in this as well) or contemplate a separation.  It is sitting on the back burner, and to be honest if shit happens to go sour, then so be it.  I have survived so long and through so many things, I will prevail as I always do.

Anyway, for now, I have to head off to therapy, and who knows what bullshit will be on the roads.  I don’t want to put this on standby again as I will have forgotten what I had already talked about.  😀

One Month Later…

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So, hi.  It’s been a month or more since I may have posted.  I know it was in September, but yeah.  The reason why for no blog posts?  Too busy.  Work is finally starting to slow down, maybe not for the time I’m physically at work, but the number of hours has gone from like around 40, to 30, and by next week, around 27.  I’m a little scared about the decrease, but I have been battling a lot of stress from work as of recently.  It’s hard to balance all three important things in my life:   family, work, and school.  I eventually want to make the transition in school being number two, as I really want to get out of the foodservice industry.  It’s always a back-up, but as for most of my life, medicine is my passion.  I still love to find out how and why things work, and pathology will always have a special place in my heart.

I have other ambitions as well and would love to get back into escaping into my fantasy world again.  I feel as if I’m on the cusp of that again, but just need to make the time for it.  I was going to attempt nanowrimo again for the umpteenth time, but between studying French and writing lab reports/essays, I don’t think I have the mental capacity to force some creative writing in there.  Hell, it took me at least a month to make another blog post.

Now, I had mentioned that I would be talking about my childhood abuse, but it isn’t on the top of my mind anymore as of right now.  I’m enjoying school and learning is always a passion of mine.  I have formed a nice little group in my science class with some wonderful women who are a bit nerdy not unlike myself.  They have definitely made my science class a lot easier, and fun.  Learning a new language is a priority as well, and I need all my brain cells to make those new connections to retain that information.  I’m proud to say that I’m holding down an A in both classes, and it makes me feel really good about myself.

With all the awesomeness and all the hard work I’m putting in, there still is some negativity floating around my brain.  Again, I’m feeling a bit on the brink of losing control.  I’ve been fighting suicidal thoughts, along with other thoughts about how I fucked up my life.  These have been following me around for many, many years.  I usually don’t think about these things, or they’re just a fleeting thought, but now, at least once a day, I start thinking suicidal thoughts again.  I hate it.  It hurts to think that and just feels as if it’s getting more intense.

Other thoughts besides that is like, is it possible to achieve a mulligan in life?  Can’t I just change, and live my life over again with different decisions?  Could I live with my Dad instead of growing up in my mother’s house?  Would I know my cousins a lot better than I do?  Would I have achieved my goal easier professionally?  Would I be happier?  Would I live longer?  Would I be a better person?  Could I save my Dad’s life?

Yeah, I know that I shouldnt’t of these things.  They’re hard to push out right now.  Will I let my thoughts win?  No.  Am I aware of my accomplishments and how well my life is going right now?  Yes.  Quite aware.  Then, why do I feel this way?  Because I want to be the best as if being the best of everything is going to make me feel better about my overall shitty life.  I didn’t want to make some of the decisions I had made, or I was too scared to do them.  I’ve learned to push through a lot of those uncomfortable moments so I can make it though, no problem.  I am a strong woman, but it still doesn’t change the fact that I’m a scared sad person on the inside.

Alright, I could spend more time rambling on and on… but I really want to get some sleep.  I’m hoping I can find the ambition tomorrow to start my homework and lab report for the next week.  Right now, I’m just not feeling it.

Don’t worry about me.  All these feelings should pass soon. 🙂

The Eternally Sad Girl

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Hi.  My name is Morgan, and I have some things to talk about.  I’ve done a couple of things on social media, and tried to generate a few friends from internet land, but have gotten discouraged about the lack of attention I would receive from either photo or blogging.

So, why am I starting again?  Well, this time, I’m not starting for the sake of looking for “friends”, or people to talk to because I’m lonely.  I did that up until a couple of years ago.  I still find myself trying to do the same thing… adding people on facebook because I had a lovely conversation with them, and hoping they would continue to understand me and love me for me.  Yeah, not a healthy thing.  I tried to conform to what I thought was me, or to someone else’s whims to get them to “like” me.

I’m going to attempt to try blogging again, not for attention this time, but as a therapeutic way to try to understand and release some built up tension, anger, guilt, and many emotions that I have suppressed for most of my life.  I will cuss/swear (whatever) and definitely share some really sad stories of my past.

I have been going to therapy regularly for the past nearly two years and with my inquisitive mind, I have dug through a lot of things and started to truly understand myself as a person.  It has been enlightening, and I am very happy with my progress.  It’s a long way from being finished, as my issues are very much like a jawbreaker, and each layer brings new flavors long lost and forgotten.

As I said earlier, there’s going to be some hard stuff shared here, and I just want to put this out here that I’m not looking for attention of advice whatsoever.  This is my attempt to use this medium as a therapeutic thing to put my story out there.  Feel free to comment if you feel the need to, but I’m not asking for you to try and “help” me.  That’s why I see a professional.  She’s amazing and has helped me see through the fog in my mind.  As for consoling, I am not looking for that either.  No sympathy, no words of wisdom, no taking away from my own reality to try and make me “feel” better.  I will eventually, maybe, feel better on my own, but we are all very much different people with different backgrounds.

I just want to tell my story, and that’s what I’m going to do.  There might be some unrelated posts throughout the blog, as I do like to partake in some creative writing, and working on feeling more comfortable with writing prose, I want to make some of my ideas public.  I hide a lot of things from everyone.  I’m afraid of being judged by everyone.

I do suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder, along with some depression and definitely suicidal thoughts.  There are days where I feel like a totally worthless piece of crap, even though there’s a good part of me that doesn’t believe that.  I have worked hard on keeping each foot moving forward and keeping my head held high.  Even though keeping each foot taking a step forward, I feel as at any time I could trip and fall flat on my face.

So, here we go.  Going to be all out here, all vulnerable and very raw.    I had also written this blog over a week ago, and completely forgot what emotions I was feeling at the time to continue on.  Hopefully, I won’t make a habit this, but I make no promises.  School and work can take a lot of time away from me right now.

I’m just going to add this here since I started this on another platform…

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As you can tell from this photo (the eyes give it away, especially), sadness has always been a part of me. I think I was 12 or 13 in this photo.I don’t remember much about this, other than that my Dad wanted to do an old time photo, and to be honest, I didn’t really want to do it. Fun Fact! : My Dad loved westerns, and I was actually named after Wyatt Earp’s little brother, Morgan. He’s a real guy: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Morgan_EarpI know it was probably chalked up to being a rebellious teenager, but no. I felt as if I was being replaced by his girlfriend as his number one gal. I didn’t want to share my Dad with anyone, and I couldn’t find the way to communicate that. I always felt that his girlfriend hated me (he took the fall for me once, when I accidentally broke one of her figurines, as I was so distraught that she was going to hate me forever), but I don’t think that was ever the case. I was hurting, and didn’t have anyone to talk to try and understand what I was feeling. And, I couldn’t communicate how I was feeling anyway.There’s no horrifying story to share, or anything in particular, besides the fact of the long sadness in my heart. All the feelings and such I had with my Dad have been sad, but just because he was the greatest man I knew at the time, and my hero. I was /am sad that I never got to spend enough time with him. I’m sure in these confessions that I’m going to try to do, I’ll talk about all the ‘aww’ things he did for me. Despite his own trials and I’m sure, mental illness (amongst other things), he was a really awesome guy. He doesn’t play a big part in my story, as there was never any abuse when I was with him. He showed me how to be compassionate and how to be a parent without being a totalitarian. Most of my memories of him are super sweet, and through me playing this facade as a super strong daughter, or when I was throwing a fit (I was a kid, after all!), he still loved me no matter what. I wish I had the opportunity to thank him, and tell him all the secrets I was carrying with me at home. #daddysgirl #oldtimephoto #confessionsofasurvivor #tbt #sadness

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