Sevenish months… yeah, this blog hasn’t been a top priority for me.  I have been busy in all aspects of my life:   school, work and at home.  I have finished 2 semesters at my college and have also been “conditionally” accepted into the nursing program.  The “conditionally” label, which will hopefully be removed, after I receive my final grades for the semester.  I have successfully completed two semesters of intro to French, but Chemistry, however… I’m trying to not dwell on it and concentrate on getting prepared for the next semester.  I have 3 months to figure out if my mother has my immunization record, or have to go through a series of boosters to start clinical in the fall.  There’s a lot of stuff to do before the semester starts in the fall!

I went to an introduction/orientation seminar last Wednesday discussing how to register for classes and the items needed for the following school year and I’m excited, yet nervous to begin this journey.  It’s surreal that this is happening.  I never thought I would get the opportunity to go back to school and if I did, it wouldn’t be something like nursing or at the least in the medical field.  I have always felt that this was my “calling” as I find medicine and human anatomy very alluring.  I love hospitals and I have never really shied from blood and guts.  I remember being a young child, maybe around 10 or so, and finding the top of a half-eaten mouse on the floor left by one of my family’s cats.  I pulled out some thumb tacks and had some kind of probe from one of my chemistry/science kits and I attempted to dissect what was left of that mouse.  I remember the gray, purplish-pink color of the small intestine, the muddy brown color of the liver and the bloody stump of what was left the lower spine.  Yes, I was one of those kids who questioned how life works.  I never ever killed anything like a serial killer or anything.  I could not harm a living soul, minus like mosquitoes – fuck those bloodsucking bastards.  I did, however, have to cull one of my rabbits when I was in ninth grade, but I did not perform a necropsy on said rabbit though.  The reason for the culling was because the rabbit was seriously sick, and I didn’t find out until much later that it would have died anyway, it had some neurological problem.  I even begged my mother to do it for me and she refused as “It’s your school project and grade.”  I stick by the Hippocratic oath as much as possible.

I could talk about school nonstop as I have found with going to therapy and scrubbing away the layers of problems that I have carried with me through the years that I truly have a profound love for learning.  I don’t know if I mentioned it above, but I have met some pretty amazing people at school.  I’ve owned the teacher’s pet part of myself too, instead of being embarrassed by it when I was a kid.  It’s fun and full of positivity.  I’m sure that next semester at nursing school will be very much the same and I already have one person who is starting the program with me that’s a friend.  It’s definitely going to be a fun ride.

Other than that, I’ve had talks with my Mother and my stepfather about the abuse and how it has affected me throughout the years.  It has been liberating to have them be aware and confront the damage that they had a part in.  So, for the past few months, a lot of the anger and sadness within those memories have been absent.  Or maybe it’s just been because I’ve been so preoccupied with studying chemistry that I haven’t had the mind to pay attention to it.  Therapy has been progressing forward, but I’m not sure how it’s going to fit in my schedule for next semester.  I will be talking to Vero about it on Wednesday.

Home… that’s the big issue right now.  I’ve gone through a lot of changes within the last few years and while I’m not ‘fixed’, I’m becoming more and more aware of myself as a person, which has caused me to tap into this new found strength that I never knew I possessed.  All this has started to begin to now affect my relationship with my husband.  It’s scary to think about as he’s been by my side through a bunch of shit for the last 20 years.  I’ve put a lot of the problems of our relationship behind me because I didn’t think I was good enough for anyone, let alone myself.  As I write this now, I’m not sure if our relationship will survive.  There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to think about it, as I will need stability and security for the next few years.  My plan isn’t to quit my current job (I have invested in this as well) or contemplate a separation.  It is sitting on the back burner, and to be honest if shit happens to go sour, then so be it.  I have survived so long and through so many things, I will prevail as I always do.

Anyway, for now, I have to head off to therapy, and who knows what bullshit will be on the roads.  I don’t want to put this on standby again as I will have forgotten what I had already talked about.  😀