One Month Later…

by , under It's me., Present Day

So, hi.  It’s been a month or more since I may have posted.  I know it was in September, but yeah.  The reason why for no blog posts?  Too busy.  Work is finally starting to slow down, maybe not for the time I’m physically at work, but the number of hours has gone from like around 40, to 30, and by next week, around 27.  I’m a little scared about the decrease, but I have been battling a lot of stress from work as of recently.  It’s hard to balance all three important things in my life:   family, work, and school.  I eventually want to make the transition in school being number two, as I really want to get out of the foodservice industry.  It’s always a back-up, but as for most of my life, medicine is my passion.  I still love to find out how and why things work, and pathology will always have a special place in my heart.

I have other ambitions as well and would love to get back into escaping into my fantasy world again.  I feel as if I’m on the cusp of that again, but just need to make the time for it.  I was going to attempt nanowrimo again for the umpteenth time, but between studying French and writing lab reports/essays, I don’t think I have the mental capacity to force some creative writing in there.  Hell, it took me at least a month to make another blog post.

Now, I had mentioned that I would be talking about my childhood abuse, but it isn’t on the top of my mind anymore as of right now.  I’m enjoying school and learning is always a passion of mine.  I have formed a nice little group in my science class with some wonderful women who are a bit nerdy not unlike myself.  They have definitely made my science class a lot easier, and fun.  Learning a new language is a priority as well, and I need all my brain cells to make those new connections to retain that information.  I’m proud to say that I’m holding down an A in both classes, and it makes me feel really good about myself.

With all the awesomeness and all the hard work I’m putting in, there still is some negativity floating around my brain.  Again, I’m feeling a bit on the brink of losing control.  I’ve been fighting suicidal thoughts, along with other thoughts about how I fucked up my life.  These have been following me around for many, many years.  I usually don’t think about these things, or they’re just a fleeting thought, but now, at least once a day, I start thinking suicidal thoughts again.  I hate it.  It hurts to think that and just feels as if it’s getting more intense.

Other thoughts besides that is like, is it possible to achieve a mulligan in life?  Can’t I just change, and live my life over again with different decisions?  Could I live with my Dad instead of growing up in my mother’s house?  Would I know my cousins a lot better than I do?  Would I have achieved my goal easier professionally?  Would I be happier?  Would I live longer?  Would I be a better person?  Could I save my Dad’s life?

Yeah, I know that I shouldnt’t of these things.  They’re hard to push out right now.  Will I let my thoughts win?  No.  Am I aware of my accomplishments and how well my life is going right now?  Yes.  Quite aware.  Then, why do I feel this way?  Because I want to be the best as if being the best of everything is going to make me feel better about my overall shitty life.  I didn’t want to make some of the decisions I had made, or I was too scared to do them.  I’ve learned to push through a lot of those uncomfortable moments so I can make it though, no problem.  I am a strong woman, but it still doesn’t change the fact that I’m a scared sad person on the inside.

Alright, I could spend more time rambling on and on… but I really want to get some sleep.  I’m hoping I can find the ambition tomorrow to start my homework and lab report for the next week.  Right now, I’m just not feeling it.

Don’t worry about me.  All these feelings should pass soon. 🙂

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