Feeling Okay.

by , under It's me., Present Day, Reflections

I’ve come to the realization that I can’t slow down and have this constant nagging to continue to push myself to accomplish something or I will lose out on the chance. I am constantly putting this blog on the back burner too. Oh well. I did say that I would update it when I thought about it and that this blog is mainly for me to have a release for any issues that I want to discuss without the fear of judging from my peers.

That “conditionally accepted” is an “accepted” now. I’ve been working on preparing for the fall semester along with…

So, at the end of the winter semester, I was adamant of not taking any summer classes… you know what I did? Took two intensive physical education classes. I finished my last class on the 15th of July, but I didn’t attend that class. I did pass both classes with 98% and 96%, so I overachieved as no shocker. I could not attend the last class for one of the classes due to an injury that I had obtained before the semester even started. I have been battling Achilles tendonitis in both ankles for a number of months and got to the point of not wanting to walk around in pain anymore. One day after seeing my therapist and complaining about how much pain I’ve been in, I broke down and made an appointment with the physiotherapist that’s in her clinic. I’ve been going to him and even though I’m sitting here in a little pain, there’s been a bit of improvement overall. The reason why I couldn’t go to my last weight training class was that the teacher wanted to hike up to Mount Royal, and this would have been the second time doing such this semester. I did it the first time with my fitness coach and it wasn’t a good idea! 6km hike overall messed my ankles up again for a full week. It was painful and my tendons would not warm up to save their lives. I still have a huge problem being mindful and not overexerting myself.

Overall, mentally, I have been feeling pretty okay. I’m still battling some issues, but as far as times about the past, it’s not affecting me much right now. There have been some more important issues at hand that I have been pushing aside… for one, I’ve been repressing some feelings I have about the relationship I currently have with my husband, along with some awkwardness and shame about sex. There’s also a battle with my brain concerning having the desire to have sex. I’m ashamed about how my body looks as well as feeling that I’m not good enough for some of the men I actually find attractive. I also have some secrets that I’m not entirely sure I feel comfortable sharing. I have a lot of fears and unknowns that I will have to eventually face in the coming years. My libido has been sitting in the back of the room for so long that I’m afraid she’s eventually going to leave. I feel her right now writing this but I feel like I can’t give her exactly what she wants, which is really disappointing.

I have purchased some romance novels to try and wake up my imagination as well as work finding that part of me that can’t fantasize about being intimate with anyone. My therapist suggested for me to start watching porn, but I don’t think it’ll completely help (we kinda ran out of time the last session for me to explain exactly what I mean) as the act of people having sex will yes, turn me on, but I don’t necessarily fantasize about the person or even the act of having intercourse with that person. Occasionally, I can put myself in a scenario in which I’ll be able to imagine something very sexy for me (it’s even hard to write about this right now…), but when it comes down to trying to visualize a person to which I’m attracted to, there’s no connection. My mind goes blank. I get into myself and the thing I’m trying to do, which is great, but I really want to be able to fantasize about the person I currently find very attractive. I love looking at pictures of him (they remarkably have a calming factor!) and my mind wants to fantasize about him, but there’s some mental block that is so fucking frustrating! I feel that this is also what is hindering my ability to write like how I used to when I was younger. Why can’t I tap into that resource that I just couldn’t satisfy back 20 years ago? Did I happen to just repress it for so long due to not thinking I was good enough to write, or just feeling ashamed at fantasizing over someone I could never have? My girlfriends don’t seem to have those problems…

So, why can’t I act out any imaginations with my husband, or feel like to include him on it? I don’t find him sexually attractive in the slightest anymore. I feel sad to even mention this, but, just looking at him on the couch disgusts me. Sex has become such a chore with him. I hate how he smells. There’s so much that I have a problem with. There’s a part of me that is so sad that I wish I could change those thoughts, but I just can’t. I almost can’t bear to even fathom having sex with him. I almost want to divorce him, not just because of the sex, but I’m not the same person all those years ago. I was looking for someone to save me and I believe he did that, but I feel as if I settled, and forced myself to do that. I’m at this impasse in my life. I have gone back to school and feel that I can do this on my own without any help. I’m not surrounded by toxic people who project their wants on me. I feel more safe and stronger than I have been in so long, or even ever in my life. Yes, he helped me escape the turmoil and gave me my son, but I feel like this was what I had to do to survive. The last time we took a vacation together was over 3 years ago. The last time we had sex with each other (not talking about mutual masturbation) was probably last year. He wants to do nothing to actually change his life. He’s quite content it seems to sit on the couch and being like my stepfather. He’s not at work and put his time in, so he should be able to watch tv and do whatever he wants to do. I want to go out and do things, I want to go to Europe next year, I want to travel… and there are times where he sounds like he wants to join, but others where he doesn’t. I want to sit down and talk to him about these things and to tell him exactly how I feel, but I feel it’s going to fall on deaf ears. Or, like he’s done in the past, say that he’s going to work on things, but then just drops the ball like he always does. Maybe making a change myself will make him hit rock bottom and then he’ll make the changes. I also am scared to make these changes because my life is finally going in the direction in which I want it to and I don’t want to start all over again. It will definitely make things a lot more difficult, but I know I can do it. Maybe I’ll make that final move when I graduate from school.

And with that, I think I’ve written enough for today. I may try and do some more reflecting tomorrow before I go to therapy. I’m sitting here now hungry and wanting to dive back into my “Waiting for Tom Hanks” novel, along with listening to some Emigrate. Loving me some RZK right now. 😉

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